so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
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