hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
