I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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