I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Randomize
