im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
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The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
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A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?