yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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