it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
