Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
