I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
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Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
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I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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