What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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