Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
