i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
