I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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