I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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