dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
