dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
