That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
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I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
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He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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