I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
