Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
