If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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