I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
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I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
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He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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