Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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