every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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