My first STD was from a foam party
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
