Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
