when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
