I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
