Will you blow on my dice?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
