Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
