meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
