thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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