so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
