Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
