so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
