Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
