Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
