so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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