so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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