I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
