I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
