this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
