sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just made my gag reflex go away.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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