people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
