opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
