I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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