I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
