he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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