Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
