you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Randomize
