If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
