I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
