just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
